Less than 10 years until I should no longer wear a mini-skirt.

This is some bullshit. A recent survey – not an article, a survey – of 2,000 women ages 18-65 revealed widely-held beliefs regarding the ages women should retire certain articles of clothing, as to not look “inappropriate”:

Mini-skirts: 35
Two-piece swimsuits: 47
Tube tops: 33
Leather pants: 34
Belly-button piercings: 35
Sheer chiffon blouses: 40
Sneakers and tight tanks: 44
Leggings and UGGs: 45
Knee-high boots: 47
Stilettos: 51
Ponytails: 51
Long hair: 53
Swimsuits (in general): 61

So…….I shouldn’t be wearing sneakers after age 44…or just sneakers paired with “tight” tanks? Apparently, I have no business swimming in my 60s.

And here’s the kicker: half the women surveyed said women who are slim, healthy, and attractive in their 50s and 60s can "get away with anything." Translation: Cindy Crawford and Jerry Hall can wear what they want – YOU cannot, you old bat. (“Bat” can be interchanged with “crone,” “hag” or “fattie”)

In addition:

* 44% of women regularly worry they are too old to wear certain items of clothing.

* 1 in 10 women have bought something only to take it back to the shop, amid fears it was “too young” for them.
* 5% of those polled said a shop assistant had warned them an item wasn't right for their age.

Unfortunately, it’s clear that appearance snobbery is not limited to the halls of high school. Why all these self-imposed “rules” on women by women? Really, would the world turn into that much of a cesspool if women wear – gasp – what they want without fear of being judged? Aren't we all a little happier when we wear things that make us feel good?

Interestingly enough, the survey was commissioned by Diet Chef, a mail order frozen food service out of the UK…much like Nutrisystem. So I guess if you utilize Diet Chef’s services, you can be well on your way to wearing whatever the fuck you want.

In a lackluster attempt at making this survey seem less disturbing, Diet Chef nutritionist Caron Leckie says, "It's up to individuals to choose when they should stop wearing certain items. Some women may be comfortable in a bikini at the age of 65, whereas the more self-conscious may want to stop much earlier—it's very much personal choice."

Yes, that’s right – it is a personal choice, Ms. Leckie. Which is why I don’t particularly care for UGGs and tube tops. Now, what I want to know is why this ridiculous and semi-fucked up “survey” was even commissioned? How about we survey women about the federal debt crisis or the states’ war on family planning services? You know, shit that matters.

Ones

My friend and I were talking last night about Ones. You know, do you only get one One and that's it? If doesn't work out, are you destined to forever be without another One? Or, if it didn't work out, were they in fact the One? Cliche, perhaps, but an issue that has been mulled over in some great shows like Flight of the Conchords and Sex and the City.

I got to thinking about this question in the wee hours of the morning, and I came to an interesting conclusion: we all have Ones. For instance, let me pull from a bit of my history:

The One who turned me into an absolute crazy person.

See? There's one. How about another:

The One who was so freakish and weird, I nearly contemplated suicide in an attempt to avoid him.

That's a long title, and seemingly difficult to live up to. I assure you, he had no trouble.

I should also point out that Ones can be several Ones. I will demonstrate:

The One with the very, very small penis was also the One who cheated. (makes sense)

See? Ones do not have to be mutally exclusive.

In all fairness, there are good Ones as well as bad Ones. Like the One who took care of me when I was sick. Maybe you have a One who inspired you to be a better person, or One you could talk to for hours.

You see, we all have Ones. Perhaps they're not all "great loves" but I'm sure we all thought them to be at one point.